Da'ud Bob's Movie Review
for
  January 2025


"Return with us now to those thrilling days of yesteryear." Well, twenty yesteryears ago, anyhow. This review was first published in January 2005. Enjoy!



I have to admit, I’d been looking forward to this one for a while.  Even more so when Troy turned out to be better than I had feared it could be.  So the anticipation meter was edging up some; maybe they’d do a really good job with this.  Then the previews started playing on TV.  “Uh, oh,” I said to myself.  “This looks problematical.”  Then they started showing the longer previews.  “Mmm,” I thought.  “I’ve got my doubts about this now.”  Finally, they started quoting some of the mainstream reviewers.  The one that caused the most trepidation in your faithful reviewer was “Oliver Stone has done it again.”  Like that’s supposed to be a good thing.  When all I could remember was how badly he had screwed up the facts and history in JFK.  Finally the big day came, and it opened in the theaters.  Anna Sue refused to go with me.  She said she could write the review even without seeing the movie.  (“Arrow fu.  Sword fu.  Pike fu.  Rock fu.  Fire fu.  Elephant fu.  Heads roll.  Horses roll.  Chariots roll.  Oracles roll.  Shields roll.  Elephants roll.  Gratuitous dancing girls.  Gratuitous oracle groveling.  Beautiful armor.  Beautiful horses.  Beautiful women.  Beautiful boys.”  She may have been more right than she will ever know.)  So off I went to the theater on my own, to sit for a fanny-numbing three hours, and thus it is that this month, Da’ud Bob reviews Alexander.

Starring Colin Farrell in the title role, Angelina Jolie as his mother, Olympias, Val Kilmer as his father, Philip of Macedon, Jared Leto as his best friend/companion Hephaistion, Rosario Dawson as Roxane, Anthony Hopkins as “old” Ptolemy, Christopher Plummer as Aristotle, and Raz Degan as Darius, the film, according to the official web site, “chronicles Alexander’s path to becoming a living legend, from a youth fueled by dreams of myth, glory, and adventure, to his intense bonds with his closest companions, to his lonely death as a ruler of a vast empire.”  Unfortunately, it also spends more time pushing his bisexuality and his domineering mother than it does his amazing military victories, and totally leaves out such things as his possible involvement in the assassination of his father and the question of whether he died of illness or poison or a combination of either with the then-current state of medical practice.  We even get to see him die twice: once at the beginning of the movie and again at the end.  And both times, as the ring fell from his hand, I more than half expected it turn into a snowglobe and for him to whisper, “Rosebud”.

Good points: The use of Greek, hieroglyphic, and cuneiform lettering behind the opening credits was a really nice touch.  No stirrups.  (They were a much later invention.)  The phalanxes.  Bucephalus.  That is one beautiful horse.

Bad points: Calling both Philip and Alexander “your Majesty”.  (That was an even later invention.)  Parts of it were a just a little too much Braveheart.  The movie was too talky, way too talky.  A lot of the armor looked questionable to me.  For all of the time spent developing Alexander’s character and personality, I left the theater feeling that I had learned nothing about him that I didn’t know before I walked in the door.  It is possible to discover more about Alexander the man and Alexander the general by watching a one-hour History Channel special than in all the three hours of this movie.

Two breasts.  Seven gallons of blood.  1,284 dead bodies.  Arrow fu.  Spear fu.  Sword fu.  Snake fu.  Knife fu.  Monsoon fu.  Lightning fu.  Heads roll.  Chariots roll.  Gratuitous dancing girls.  Gratuitous dancing boys.  Gratuitous zebra.  Gratuitous angst.  Gratuitous Gorgon head in the wine cup.  Academy Award nomination to Angelina Jolie as the ultimate stage mother Olympias for “Beware of men who think too much.”  An 86 on the Vomit Meter.  Two stars.  Da’ud Bob says “It’s a sad thing, when you care more when the horse takes a hit than when any of the human characters do.  Check it out!”



Upcoming movies and miniseries to watch for!


Snow White
March 21, 2025		 Starring Gal Gadot as the Evil Queen, Rachel Zegler as Snow White, Andrew Burnap, and Ansu Kabia, this Disney production is a live-action "reinterpretation" of the 1937 animated film Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. This movie has gone from an early 2024 release to an early 2025 release, so apparently there have been issues with it.
A Knight of the Seven Kingdoms: The Hedge Knight
2025		 A century before the events of Game of Thrones, two unlikely heroes wandered Westeros... a young, naïve but courageous knight, Ser Duncan the Tall, and his diminutive squire, Egg. Set in an age when the Targaryen line still holds the Iron Throne, and the memory of the last dragon has not yet passed from living memory, great destinies, powerful foes, and dangerous exploits all await these improbable and incomparable friends. A(nother) Game of Thrones prequel. Streaming on Max.
Highlander
2026		 Starring Henry Cavill. This is a remake of the 1986 original starring Christopher Lambert and Sean Connery that no one I know of is asking for. "An immortal Scottish swordsman faces off with other immortal warriors in order to obtain a coveted ability." Director Chad Stahelski confirmed the movie will be using Queen's soundtrack from the original but "Probably in a different way than you think, but hardcore yes." [Da'ud Bob says, "How about no?"]


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