Da'ud Bob's Movie Review
Movies about Bible stories can be a bit of a mixed bag. On the one hand, you
can end up with movies like The Ten Commandments with Charlton
Heston and Yul Brynner, epic movies, starring “a cast of thousands,” with
lines that you will remember for years afterwards. (Yes, I’m thinking about
you, “So let it be written; so let it be done.”) Moving down the scale from
that, you get some of the 1940s and 1950s Bible stories, movies that try to
be another Ten Commandments but don’t quite pull it off. Movies
like Samson and Delilah with Victor Mature and Hedy Lamarr. Decent
movies, movies that someone put a lot of money into to make, with high
production values. And then, finally, we come down at the other end of the
scale to the subject of this month’s review. Another Bible story, but
clearly shot on a limited budget, written and directed by one person, which
is something that can lead to the creation of a cinematic gem, but far more
often leads to cinematic disaster. As seems to be the case here. And so it
is that this month, Da’ud Bob reviews for you Timothy Chey’s 2015 cinematic
effort, David and Goliath.
Starring Miles Sloman (who actually bears a more than passing resemblance to
Michelangelo’s David) as David, Jerry Sokolosky (at 7'8", Canada's tallest
man) as Goliath, Paul Hughes as King Saul, Joseph Emms as Eliab, Richard
Summers-Calvert as Abinadab, Makenna Guyler (blonde and blue-eyed, hardly a
good match for an ancient Hebrew) as Michal, Jared Morgan as Jaggar, Simon
Davies as Commander Ahren, Tom Bonington as Armor-Bearer, Neder Ghouati as
Caleb, Mohamed Abdallah as Hosea, Zaff Malik as Commander Eli, David Wade as
Commander Jacob, and Joshua Diffley as Aaron, this is the classical Biblical
story of, as the movie’s tag line says, “Against all odds, one man will
rise.” Put another way, young boy takes on giant warrior, and wins! Or as
the synopsis put it, “Against a vast enemy, they didn’t stand a chance. Till
one underdog rose to the challenge. This is how history is made.” And
sometimes, good movies. But not this time.
Good points: The movie is only 92 minutes long. (The downside of that is
that the movie is 92 minutes long! A shorter movie would have been a better
movie, since it wouldn’t contain all of the filler and repetition and
repetition and filler, or the repetition.) David really rocks that scarf.
Bad points: The helmets. The armor. The costuming. The tents. The script.
(For example, “That’s okay, I’ll pass,” and “Sorry, David. No worries.” And
did I mention that there’s a lot of repetition in it? How many times does
David have to go to Saul to say he wants to fight Goliath, and how many
times do his brothers have to try to talk him out of it and to go home? It
all becomes the “same ol’, same ol’” after a while.) The soundtrack has a
donkey braying while the camera is showing us a horse. The long shots of
scudding clouds, which appear to have no purpose other than to pad out the
length of the movie. (Filler. The word I use for it is “filler.”) Sharpened
wooden poles used as spears. Goliath eating a raw cow’s head. Stirrups on
all the horses. All the Philistines seem to speak in “I’m Batman” voices.
Zero breasts. ½ pint of blood. Four dead bodies. Scimitar fu. Quarterstaff
(“spear”) fu. Sword fu. Sling fu. Wrestling. Soldiers roll. Clouds scud.
Gratuitous sand dunes. Gratuitous goats. Gratuitous eyeliner. Gratuitous
partial psalm recitations. Gratuitous thunder. (Lots of thunder, but it
never rains.) Gratuitous soldiers walking back and forth in front of the
camera. A 97 on the Vomit Meter. Zero stars. Anna Sue says, “I have seen
better church plays than this.” Da’ud Bob says, “This movie is almost
physically painful to watch. Check something else out.”
movies and miniseries to watch for!
|I got nothin'. I
keep checking for new and upcoming releases, but the
medieval/Renaissance/fantasy market looks like it's being
ignored, at least for the next several months. Sorry! Until
someone releases something new, I guess were' all going to be
stuck seeing what's on Netflix or Hulu.
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