Da'ud Bob's Movie Review
for
April
2024
Now here's a little "blast from the past". A review first published way
back in October, 1987, complete with the cartoon that helped to inspire
it.
So there I was, lazing around on a hot summer day, re-reading some of my
old Bloom County books. I came across several days' worth
where Opus is doing what I do – reviewing movies. He said, "George
Phblat's new movie, `Benji Saves the Universe,' has brought the word `bad'
to new levels of badness. Bad acting. Bad effects. Bad
everything. This bad film just oozed rottenness from every bad
scene. Simply bad beyond all infinite dimensions of possible
badness. ... Well, maybe not that bad, but lord, it wasn't
good." I said to myself, "I know that movie". So this month,
Da'ud Bob does The Warrior and the Sorceress.
Where do I begin? Maybe like Christi Brinkley covering a slasher story
for the 6 o'clock news – "Hi! Oh, gross." This 1984 mess stars
David Carradine as "Dark One" (you don't find out until the credits that his
name is Kain [Holy Kung Fu, Batman!]), Luke Askew as Zeg, Maria Socas as
Naja (who wears almost "nada"), and Anthony Delongis as Kief.
Plot. Hmm, I know it had a sort of a plot. An amorphous plot
with vague religious overtones. How best to describe it? A
time-span in the life of your average fantasy mercenary. Stranger
comes to town, breaks power structure (which causes a huge slaughter), then
leaves.
Forget the costuming. Kain doesn't wear pants. Kief doesn't wear
shirts. The women don't wear much of anything (Naja wears a G-string
and sometimes long loops of fabric around the shoulders. Most
everybody else (including the iguana) is covered from the neck to the
ankles, and most of the slaves and villagers have hoods which cover the
face. They sure dress funny on planets with two suns.
Good points: The fight choreography for the climactic fight between Kain and
Kief was very nice and smooth. I don't know if the dancer (probably
the most exotic dancer you'd e-e-e-e-ever want to see) is a good point or
not. It was, well, interesting.
Bad points: Fantasy armor, with little "horns" on the helmets. Using a
sword as a shovel. Lousy puppetry on the "iguana". The magic
sword, which cut through an anvil, later wouldn't cut through ordinary
swords in combat.
32 Breasts (four on the dancer – I told you she was exotic). Four
gallons blood. 110 dead bodies. Swordsmen roll. Carts
roll. Gratuitous breasts. Gratuitous slave-whipping.
Gratuitous iguana adviser. Gratuitous Pompadour topknot.
Gratuitous papier-mache anvil. Gratuitous land octopus with
teeth. Sword fu. Whip fu. Breast fu. Academy Award
nomination to Anthony Delongis for the fight choreography. Academy
Award nomination to Cecilia North as the Exotic Dancer, for making them look
real. A 93 on the Vomit Meter. 1½ stars. Da'ud Bob says
check it out.
Upcoming
movies and miniseries to watch for!
Snow
White
March 21, 2025 |
Starring Gal Gadot as the Evil Queen, Rachel Zegler as Snow
White, Andrew Burnap, and Ansu Kabia, this Disney production is a
live-action "reinterpretation" of the 1937 animated film Snow
White and the Seven Dwarfs. |
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