Da'ud Bob's Movie Review
November 2019 

Oh, dear. Well, this is pretty much what I’m reduced to, when the powers that be don’t seem to be filming or releasing any new “Da’ud Bob” movies; that is, movies set in the Middle Ages or Renaissance or other pre-technological fantasy worlds. The only movie that I’ve been able to find that came anywhere close is the live-action Maleficent: Mistress of Evil released in October, and frankly, it’s not close enough. For all the rest, it’s a vast wasteland. Which leaves me with my only other real option: the movies that Anna Sue thoughtfully leaves as additions to “My List” on Netflix. She has her own list; the ones she adds to my list are movies and series that she thinks I should review for you, not movies that she wants to see herself. So when she took off the other night to go out with friends for dinner and fabric and fiber shopping, and there being nothing else worth watching on TV, I took the opportunity to open up Netflix, go to My List, and pick one to review for you. Anna Sue says that my watching it while she wasn’t here is just more proof of how much I love her. But so it is that this month, Da’ud Bob reviews for you the 2018 low-budget direct-to-DVD action movie, Viking Destiny.

Starring Terence Stamp as Odin, Murray McArthur as Loki, Anna Demetriou as Princess Helle of Volsung, Andrew Whipp as King Asmund of Volsung, Timo Nieminen as Prince Bard of Volsung, Martyn Ford as Torstein, Will Mellor as Lord Soini, and Victoria Broom as Queen Alva of Volsung, the plot’s synopsis is: “A Viking Princess is forced to flee her kingdom after being framed for the murder of her father, the King. Under the guidance of the God Odin, she travels the world gaining wisdom and building the army she needs to win back her throne.” It is, of course, a little more complicated than that; the MacGuffin, the thing that moves the plot forward, is the idea that “A child born with an absent father is a curse.” (Of course, that turns out not to be true at all, but it is repeated enough times that you think there ought to be something to it.)

Good points: The filming was of pretty high quality. Real mail. Lots of real mail. Some of the fight choreography is okay. Decent “Viking” swords.

Bad points: Most of the names aren’t Nordic. The Kingdom of Volsung is bordered on the west by the “Sickling Sea”. The big Scottish two-handed claymore sword. That’s Odin? But he has both of his eyes! The Islamic bazubands (arm armor). Loki looks like an old man with black makeup from the top of his nose up. Princess Helle wanders about the rocky landscape totally unprepared for the weather, cold, rain, etc. The weird leather “masks” on the helmets. Just how long is the chain on that “head in a cage”? It seems to me that it would be too heavy, and too cumbersome, to even think about taking into, much less using in, battle. The members of the hippie, pacifist, vegetarian commune choose to fight with Helle and her few supporters against her uncle and his trained warriors, and don’t all die in the first two minutes of battle. Some of the plot twists: (1) don’t make sense; or (2) are unnecessary; or (3) both.

Two breasts. Five gallons of blood. 52 dead bodies. Sword fu. Axe fu. Quarterstaff fu. Hammer fu. Knife fu. Claymore fu. Head in a cage fu. Double-bitted axe fu. Chain fu. Head rolls. Warriors roll. Waves roll. Gratuitous drakkars. Gratuitous appearing/disappearing Odin and Loki. Gratuitous mushrooms. Gratuitous sex in an open field. Gratuitous  hippie, pacifist, vegetarian commune dancing in the forest. A 92 on the Vomit Meter. Two stars. Da’ud Bob says, “It ain’t awful, but lord, it isn’t all that good, either. But if you’ve got nothing else to watch of an evening, check it out!”


Upcoming movies and miniseries to watch for!

I got nothin'. I keep checking for new and upcoming releases, but the medieval/Renaissance/fantasy market looks like it's being ignored, at least for the next several months. Sorry! Until someone releases something new (and the new Disney live-action Mulan being released next March 27 may qualify, but otherwise, it's a wasteland out there), I guess were' all going to be stuck seeing what's on Netflix or Hulu.

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