Da'ud Bob's Movie Review
for
June 2017

So, having taking a look at one movie about the great Geat hero of the late Fifth Century, Beowulf, by reviewing 1999's Beowulf, it seemed only fair to take a look at that same story from the other side, from that of his opponent, the monster Grendel. I thought that it should be easy to do that, since sitting right there in the Netflix queue was a movie entitled Grendel. All of this just goes to show that not only can't you tell a book from its cover, you can't tell a movie from it's title. The opening narration started out, "This is the story of Beowulf," and then went on to make the story as much about a young man named Finn as it did about anything else. But it was too late by that time to change my mind, and so it is that this month Da'ud Bob reviews for you the 2007 made for TV SyFy movie Grendel, even though it's not really about Grendel.

Starring Chris Bruno as Beowulf, Marina ("Troi" of Star Trek: The Next Generation) Sirtis as mad Queen Wealhtheow, Michael J. Minor as Unferth, Chuck Hittinger as Finn, Alexis Kendra as Ingrid, Ben (Sarek in the 2009 Star Trek) Cross as King Hrothgar, Atanas Srebrev as Wulfgar, Harry Anichkin as King Higlack, Maxim Genchev as Olf, and a lot of CGI work as Grendel and Grendel's mother ("the Hag"), one synopsis of the movie began, "Viking warrior Beowulf ....", but that can't be right, since there were no Vikings in the Fifth Century. Another synopsis said, "King Higlack of the Gauths [that should be "Geats"] entrusts prince Finn and a fire ball weapon to his champion, slayer Beowulf. They lead twelve men on a mission to help king Hrothgar of the Danes, whose once glorious realm is terrorized by the undefeated monster Grendel. The task is made more difficult as Hrothgar kept gruesome secrets."

Good points: It's not as long a movie as I was afraid it was. (It turns out to be only 82 minutes long.) Aside from all of the anachronisms, poor costuming, awful fight choreography, and a lot of the details, the overall arc of the movie actually follows the original Old English poem in a loosely general fashion.

Bad points: The sword with the dragon claw quillons. Beowulf's ugly horned helm. Everybody's horned helms. The costumes in general. The oversized four-stringed crossbow. The exploding crossbow bolts. The square-rigged caravel they sailed on. The Roman buildings in Fifth Century Denmark. Unferth's leather gorget. Everyone's riveted leather armor. The lamellar armor. Unferth's metal cuirass. Finn's mullet haircut. The Nineteenth Century spyglass. Stirrups on the horse saddles. And as a nitpick: King Hrothgar's mead hall is shown as surrounded by high mountain peaks, a feature not found in the landscape of relatively flat Denmark.

Zero breasts. Two gallons of blood. Ten dead bodies, plus one giant snake body, one Grendel body, and one Grendel's mom body. Sword fu. Lightning fu. Axe fu. Oversized crossbow fu. Exploding crossbow bolt fu. Catapult fu. Big honkin' sword fu. Giant snake head rolls. Hag's head rolls. Arm rolls. Finn rolls. Unferth rolls. Beowulf rolls. Gratuitous horned helms. Gratuitous gut wrenching. Gratuitous giant snake. Gratuitous slow dancing. Gratuitous Imperial Stormtrooper syndrome. (Out of all the times they shoot the exploding crossbow bolts at Grendel, they only hit him once.) Gratuitous Nineteenth Century telescope/spyglass. Gratuitous love story (between Finn and Ingrid). Gratuitous love triangle (Finn, Ingrid, and Unferth). Academy Award nominations to Chris Bruno as Beowulf for "When a man meets his end, his story is all that he has," and to Chuck Hittinger as Finn for following that line up with, "And through his story, a man can live forever." An 86 on the Vomit Meter. 1½ Stars. Da'ud Bob says "The title is false advertising; this is not the story of Grendel. Check it out!"

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