Da'ud Bob's Movie Review
for
  September 2025


"Return with us now to those thrilling days of yesteryear," suggested the narrator during the introductory scenes of The Lone Ranger television series. And this month, in more than one way. This month's offering is a review of a movie set in Arthurian times, and was published nearly a quarter of a century ago, in September 2001. Enjoy your visit to "those thrilling days of yesteryear!"



Well, I had to, you know?  I just had to.  This is not to say that I looked forward to it with a great deal of enthusiasm.  Not by any means.  I mean, I had read a goodly number of the lady’s books, and finally simply had to stop, because I was getting so very tired of feeling like I was being beaten about the head and shoulders with the grossest kind of feminism.*  It seemed that she wrote only four types of characters, two of each sex.  The women were all either (1) very strong, or (2) tyrannized and in need of rescue.  The men were all either (1) total wimps, or (2) villains of the blackest degree, and frequently rapists, to boot.  And here they had made a TV miniseries of one of her most famous novels.  But it (both the book and the miniseries) was set in the time after the fall of the Roman Empire, when the Saxons were pushing into Britain.  So, as you can see, I had to.  For you, my faithful readers, because I knew you would be depending on me.  And so it is that this month, Da’ud Bob girds his loins, tries to lay aside his prejudices, and reviews The Mists of Avalon.

Based on the book of the same name by the late Marion Zimmer Bradley, from everything I have heard, the miniseries doesn’t stray too awfully far from the book.  Starring Anjelica Huston as Viviane, the Lady of the Lake, Julianna Margulies as Morgaine le Fay, Joan Allen as Morgause, Samantha Mathis as Gwenhwyfar, Caroline Goodall as Igraine, Edward Atterton as Arthur, Michael Vartan as Lancelot, Michael Byrne as Merlin, and Hans Matheson as Mordred, Mists is yet another retelling of the Arthurian legend.  The biggest change in this version is that most of the real protagonists are women, and everyone seems to be related to each other (except Gwenhwyfar).  The plot threads are way, way too complex and interwoven to adequately explain in the space available here.  Suffice it to say that the alleged heart of it all is a combination of the Britons reeling under the Saxon invasion and the conflict between paganism and the newer Christianity.

Good points: No full plate armor, as is common in so many Arthurian movies.  Uther’s hounds.  Finished seams on the clothes.  Young Morgaine’s cloak.  The round table.  Better than average costuming.  The Saxon round shields.  The older Arthur’s cloak pin.

Bad points: Some of the hairstyles of Avalonians.  Viviane’s dress and cloak - complete with sparkles.  Lancelot’s lamellar armor.  Carrying swords in belts without a scabbard.  All the yelling and screaming during childbirth.  Arthur’s studded leather armor.  The costuming was an odd mix of periods.  The Arthur-Gwenhwyfar-Lancelot menage-a-trois.  Merlin’s long deathbed speech.  Mordred’s “I have the power” speech.  The post-period spinning wheel.  Do men really get that much scruffier as they age?  Mordred’s wolf hat.  It had no more to do with the real Arthur, or even the Arthur of Malory, than did, say, First Knight, and no more to do with genuine period pagan beliefs than Star Wars.

Zero breasts.  One gallon of blood.  119 dead bodies.  Arrow fu.  Fire arrow fu.  Sword fu.  Double-bitted axe fu.  Curse fu.  Waves roll.  Fog rolls.  Plots roll.  Horses roll.  Gratuitous tattoos (that looked like they been done with a ballpoint pen, no less).  Gratuitous heads on spikes.  Gratuitous cave paintings.  Gratuitous solar eclipse.  Gratuitous rain.  Gratuitous slow motion horse riding.  Gratuitous beads in hair.  Gratuitous marriage mix-up.  Excessive neo-paganism (which has very little to do with real, period paganism).  As a neo-pagan, non-Arthurian fantasy, it wasn’t too bad.  As genuine Romano-British, genuine pagan, real Arthuriana, it sucked very large rocks.  Enough to build another Stonehenge.  An 87 on the Vomit Meter.  1½ Stars.  Da’ud Bob says, “If there was a moral to this, it’s that women can totally screw the world up every bit as well as men.  Check it out.”



* Full disclosure: I say this as someone who wholeheartedly believes in and fully supports the equality of women in every area of life.




Upcoming movies and miniseries to watch for!


Hamnet
December 12, 2025		 The story of Agnes - the wife of William Shakespeare, although the historical record names her as Anne Hathaway - as she struggles to come to terms with the loss of her only son, Hamnet. A human and heart-stopping story as the backdrop to the creation of Shakespeare's most famous play, Hamlet. Starring Paul Mescal, Jessie Buckley, and Emily Watson.
The King, the Swordsman, and the Sorceress
December 30, 2025		 Starring Donna Hamblin, Deborah Dutch, Jeffrey Schneider, and Nick Dent, still no plot synopsis has been released. But given the title, surely it must be a Da'ud Bob kind of movie, yes? Well, maybe. AI seems to think it is a remake of 1982's The Sword and the Sorcerer, a movie which featured, as I said in my review of it, "the amazing new Ronco [three-bladed] Rocket Sword.  'It slices!  It dices!  It makes mincemeat of your enemies in minutes!')". If AI is right, we are all in serious trouble.
A Knight of the Seven Kingdoms: The Hedge Knight
Was to be released in 2025; now to premiere in 2026		 Set a century before the events of Game of Thrones, two unlikely heroes wandered Westeros ... a young, naïve but courageous knight, Ser Duncan the Tall, and his diminutive squire, Egg. Set in an age when the Targaryen line still holds the Iron Throne, and the memory of the last dragon has not yet passed from living memory, great destinies, powerful foes, and dangerous exploits all await these improbable and incomparable friends. A(nother) Game of Thrones prequel. Streaming on Max.
Highlander
2026		 Starring Henry Cavill. This is a remake of the 1986 original starring Christopher Lambert and Sean Connery that no one I know of is asking for. "An immortal Scottish swordsman faces off with other immortal warriors in order to obtain a coveted ability." Director Chad Stahelski confirmed the movie will be using Queen's soundtrack from the original, but "Probably in a different way than you think, but hardcore yes." [Da'ud Bob says, "How about 'hardcore no'?"]
The Odyssey
July 17, 2026		 A new film version of the epic poem by Homer. Directed by Christopher Nolan, and starring Matt Damon as Odysseus, with Tom Holland, Robert Pattinson, Anne Hathaway, Zendaya, Lupita Nyong’o, Charlize Theron, John Leguizamo, and more. Quite the impressive cast! I hope the script will let their talents shine forth.


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