Da'ud Bob's Movie Review
November 2017

Okay, well. Hmm. Let me start out by stating that sometimes, Netflix is not your friend. I say this only because of Anna Sue, who likes to look for, and then queue up, movies on Netflix that I have not yet reviewed for you. And, occasionally, she'll be surprised when she sees a potential addition to that list and then learns that, no, indeed, I have not yet reviewed it. Like, for example, this month's movie, which came out in October of 2011. She couldn't believe that I hadn't gotten myself right down to the theater when it opened and reviewed at that time. But I hadn't. And when she asked me why not, I had no real answer for her except that I had probably seen the previews of it and just couldn't bring myself to pay money to see it. No matter that our motto is, "We watch 'em so you don't have to." It just looked to me like this was an unnecessary remake of a movie that has been remade too many times already, mostly to poor effect. But she had seen that it was available on Netflix, and gone ahead and placed it in the queue for me. As it turns out, my initial thoughts about this movie back in 2011 were proven to have a solid foundation. Thus supporting my initial premise that "sometimes, Netflix is not your friend." But thus it is that this month, Da'ud Bob reviews for you 2011's remake of The Three Musketeers.

Starring Logan Lerman as d'Artagnan, Matthew Macfadyen as Athos, Ray Stevenson as Porthos, Luke Evans as Aramis, Mads Mikkelsen as Rochefort, Christoph Waltz as Richelieu, Freddie Fox as King Louis, Juno Temple as Queen Anne, Gabriella Wilde as Constance, James Corden as Planchet, and Orlando Bloom as the Duke of Buckingham, this movie follows - in loose fashion - the plot of every other Three Musketeers movie ever made, only with more CGI and bigger explosions. These do not necessarily make it an improvement. And it throws in an outlandish and highly unrealistic scene at the beginning (not unlike your typical James Bond movie, now that I think of it) where Athos, Porthos, and Aramis fail in a scheme to steal Da Vinci's airship blueprints.

Good points: It does contain within it the basic outlines of the original story by Dumas. Parts of it are very pretty. It has fairly high production values. The (CGI) fireworks over Venice. The banners with the arms of Cardinal Richelieu display his actual coat of arms! (Or three chevrons gules.) The arms on the nose of Buckingham's airship, with the exception of the third quarter which appeared to have nine quartered arms in it, display the actual arms of Villers, the Duke of Buckhingham! (Argent on a cross gules five escallops or.)

Bad points: The "Darth Vader" style scuba gear. The multi-crossbow. (It brought to mind the old ads on TV by Ronco.) Da Vinci's clockwork booby-trapped vault. The airships. (Way, way too big to have ever gotten off the ground. And unrealistic in flight.) Buckingham's modern butterfly knife. The entire thing seemed to me to be a "bit overdone." (Anna Sue thinks that I am too kind in my assessment.) It did seem like the movie couldn't really decide what it wanted to be when it grew up. Action adventure? Farce? James Bond? Time Bandits? All of the above?

Zero breasts. One gallon of blood. 57 dead bodies. Chain fu. Ronco multi-crossbow fu. Rapier fu. Fisticuffs. Pistol fu. Bucket fu. Staff fu. Dagger fu. Pisspot fu. Musket fu. Cannon fu. Flamethrower fu. Multi-barrel rotating cannon fu. Kung fu. Venetians roll. Cardinal's guards roll. Musketeers roll. Waves roll. Gratuitous CGI. Gratuitous fire eaters. Gratuitous slo-mo. Gratuitous pigeon poop. Academy Award nominations to Ray Stevenson as Porthos for "You're reckless, arrogant, impetuous, probably be dead by sundown, but I like you, lad," and to Logan Lerman as d'Artagnan for "You should have apologized to my horse." An 83 on the Vomit Meter. Two stars. Da'ud Bob says, "Sometimes, Netflix is not your friend. Check it out!"

Upcoming movies and miniseries to watch for!

There does not appear to be anything of special interest coming down the pipeline at this time. A lot of the attention seems to be placed on the new Marvel and DC superheroes movies. They're nice, but not of special interest here.

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